i was blog surfing and it got me really depressed now.
when i first joined nanyang, i was this unknown girl from a far far away land in goodknowswhere. but i was determined to make my life work out. at that age of 13, i had just experience the worst outcast life a girl can go through and believed me it sucks. when given an oppurtunity when i can go to this FAR away place where no body knows me and i can create a new life again, i grabbed it. well actually i had no other choice.
out to make myself welcomed, i became this overenthusiastic crazy loving kissing hugging beast. well in secondary one you can do everything, including that. you have THAT kind of time. not exactly, but since i neglected my studies all the way, yea i had that kind of time.
in year two, i became what you called, more mature, in a sense that i didn't kiss and hug that much anymore. at least not after the middle of the year when all the work piles up and i realised the perilious situation my academic status was. i let go of those transparent things, and even let go some of my friends. in other words, i couldn't bother keeping up with my social status in school anymore. school is a place where we go for the motive to go back to where we belong a.k.a home. this is one important theory ive learnt in the beginning of this year which is in fact now.
stress comes, life goes. its a cycle, if you realise. while people are busy socialising and giving their time to change their coat of friends, i studied them, instead of my stupid science notes, and grew more distant, in fact.
somehow, now amidst the homework stress tests and projects upon my back, i miss the life i used to have. fake it might be, but i had happiness. or so i call it. because at that time, it was a sure thing i would get a partner during dance. it was a sure thing i would be asked to group together. now im a nobody hidden in a invisible corner trying to blend in. but no. cause of my lack of previous participation, i cant just stick into the solid foundation laid by the other people, and expect to stand up as tall and straight as the others. nada. nowadays i try to maintain my friendship with many of my friends that were bosom buddies to me. were. it seems such a chore to actually keep a conversation going and when you dont, you get wrecked with guilt because somehow this distance between one and another is due to you and yourself!
you cant put aside the grudge you have against another person, someone who has the same goal as you. you cant stand her, but you have to stand her. she plays an important part in the enviroment around you. losing her equals losing many other people.
sometimes when i read books. i think "how stupid that -yadayada- is cant she just put that stink face away and make the future situation at least live-able for herself?" but i never listen to my own advice. and that, i tell you, really sucks.
no matter how i tell myself that ive grown up, that i dont need friends, that i can put aside that loveydovey facade and carry on living, that i can forget that i once had this someone in my life, i cant do it.
this might be the answer why my social life is dwindling. im a horrible liar.
sure, i might have grown up, but ive grown up in such a bad way, i had rather not.
sure i hate her. thats what i tell myself. but i try to find another answer deep inside myself. am i, seriously, jealous of the life she has? she stole a lot from me. some i lost to her myself, some i had never had but i want to claim my own. but i just pile everything on her shoulders. it might seem unfair but to my inane mind, she deserves every bit of suffering she might have. which at most times, never.i tried learning from her, but somehow, she gains popularity like no one i know. i would wonder: is it her or is it me? and i dismiss the latter, and continue my secret personal inner battle against the foe of my secondary school life. perhaps the most logical thing to do would be to befriend her, but to my illogical brain, going AGAINST her was the best sure way in the history of grudges.
after a period of time, i decided to go 'illogical' and befriend her. i got dissed. that increased my -if you can say- hatred.
but everyone else loves her what can i do?
make SOMEBODY hate her.and till this day. i still want to fight her everything.
and goddamn myself. i cant even say out her name.when at the end of the day, your foe still finds a way to triumph you, you somehow lose your sanity.
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